Reflections
by FindMeBroken
Summary: One night Emma gets into a fight with her best friend and she reflects on times when things weren't so perfect. EmJay babel.


I slipped in through the window to see Ellie looking at me sternly. I smiled weakly and walked over to my bed, thinking that I had bypassed a blow up from Ellie. I thought too soon.

"Where the hell have you been, Emma Nelson?" Ellie screamed, but not too loudly because it was 2 AM and my parents were undoubtedly asleep.

I whipped around and stared at her incredulously, "Ellie, what is your problem?"

"Where were you? Last time you sneaked in through that window you had gonorrhea." Ellie pried.

"Oh, so I can't leave my house unless I'm going to give head to Jay? Great self-confidence boost, Ellie. Real great." I said sarcastically and pulled off my sweatshirt.

"Well, Em, lately you haven't been very reliable." Ellie mumbled, but I caught what she said.

"Excuse me?" I turned to her.

"I'm just saying, with the whole anorexia thing, Peter planting those drugs in Sean's locker, you and Sean getting back together, Sean cheating on you with Manny, you've just had a few hard months. I'm just worried Em." Ellie said.

I sighed and sat on my bed, "I know. And I'm sorry. I just…you have to trust that I'm not that stupid anymore. You have to trust _me_, El."

"I know. But it's happened before. You've let things happen again before. I'm just making sure it's not gonna happen again." Ellie cautioned.

I sighed again and looked at her, "Ellie, I'm sorry if I'm worrying you and I'll tell you where I've been when the time's right, but until then, I really need to do this on my own. And the whole stealing phase wasn't a thing that I did again. It never stopped, I just hid it well."

"Then how do I know you're not sneaking out to the ravine again? Or that you're not purging again? Should I mention that you told Manny you stopped purging even though you didn't? How do I know you're not doing anything that will hurt you? Ellie stood up and started pacing my room.

I stood up too and stood in front of her, "Because I'm swearing to god that I'm not."

"I wish I could believe you, Em. And I know that right now I'm not exactly being the model best friend and believing you but I really need to know that you're okay." Ellie walked over to her bed and lay down.

"El." I started to walk towards her bed but she just shook her head and I sat back down on mine.

I wasn't going to the ravine at all. I wasn't going out for blowjobs. I was going for someone to talk to. This time around, Jay was that person. But let me start at the beginning.

I went to the ravine again, after the show. I'm not sure why, but when I saw Jay looking at me, I knew that he must care, just a little.

"_Hey." I said, sitting next to him on the table._

"_What are you doing here Emma?" Jay asked._

"_Wow, impressive. You called me by my real name." I sneered._

"_Okay, so you come to the place where I fit in and you put me down again. You showed me up back at the school, what's the deal now? Are you really that cold?" Jay asked, looking me up and down. I thought maybe he was checking me out and pushed that thought out of my mind._

"_Listen, Jay. I just wanted to say…I don't know. I shouldn't have come." I got off the table and started to walk away but he called me back, "Yeah?"_

"_You weren't just one of the girls, if it means anything now." _

_I nodded and left._

_Two Years Later_

_I hadn't spoken to Jay since that last night at the ravine._

_And I had intended on never speaking to him again. _

_But Sean came back, and with Sean came a whirlwind of Jay and our past._

_When Sean found out about me and Jay he ended out short term relationship but eventually he came around and we were a healthy couple for a good two months before he cheated on me with my so called "best friend". He said that he couldn't get over the fact that I went down on Jay and he needed to be with someone perfect.  
Well he had many mixed emotions when I told him about Manny's mischievous past._

_But that was now three exes out of my life for ass behavior._

_Sean was gone for the above, obviously._

_Peter was gone for planting those drugs in Sean's locker._

_And Chris? Chris was never really there._

_I guess I couldn't keep a boyfriend._

_But after Manny and Sean hooked up, I needed somewhere to go, somewhere to turn. And someone to turn to._

_I instantly befriended Ellie after we had lunch at the Dot sharing jerky Sean stories. I beat her by a mile._

_Ellie and I went to a party about three weeks into our friendship. I wasn't sure where it was or who was throwing it. All I knew was that Sean was going to be there and I was going to go looking hot and having a great time with my new best friend._

_Ellie and I walked into the party and saw a lot of school people sitting on couches mingling with complete strangers._

_I left Ellie at the entrance catching up with a girl she used to play euchre with._

_I had one beer and decided that was too much so I wandered around to see if I could find Sean. He was entering a bedroom and a flame of jealousy rushed through me. _

_I put on my good acting face and pretended to be overly drunk, stumbling into the room he had entered just seconds before._

_I was laughing hysterically and when I looked up and "noticed" he was in there I started laughing even harder, "Oh, hi. Sean, who's your new friend?" I pointed to the brunette sitting on the bed pulling her shirt back on._

"_Emma?" he avoided my question, "Are you drunk?"_

_I mimicked his concern, "Do you really care?"_

_Then I stood up straight and made my face serious, "Sean, you broke up with me. Stop pretending you care." Then I turned to the bimbo on the bed, "And be careful, sweetie. This one's dangerous. Cheated on me with my best friend." I laughed again and walked out of the room._

_I regained myself but the goofy smile stuck. I was proud of what I had just done, no matter how rude and bitchy it was, he had it coming._

_Suddenly my back was up against the wall and I was staring into dazzling brown eyes._

"_What do you want?" I asked the guy standing in front of me._

"_Emma, we need to talk." He pushed me into the nearest bedroom and locked the door._

_I knew that in times like this you're supposed to scream and try to get away. But I knew this guy wasn't going to hurt me._

"_Jay, what's going on?" I sighed and looked around the room we walked into. It was dusty and full of old junk._

"_I heard about you and Sean." He said._

_I looked at him as if he was insane, "Is that the reason you dragged me in here?"_

"_No. Emma. Please just hear me out okay?" He took my shoulders in his hands so I wouldn't try to get away._

_I nodded for him to continue._

"_Let me start at the beginning. When I kind of separated you from Sean three years ago, I was jealous that all you thought of me was "a thug with a bad attitude". I wanted to show you that even someone you love, Sean, could be like that too. But things got out of hand. I thought that your "undying love" or whatever would be able to show you that I wasn't so bad. _

"_At the time I wasn't sure why I wanted you to not hate me. I mean, I knew that it couldn't be because I like you. I had Alex. She was the love of my life at the time. Or so I thought. And then we took that trip to the Wasega. A whole day without Alex. Spending that time with you made me see why I was so infatuated with you. I really liked you Emma."_

_I glanced at him warily but told him to continue._

"_After Sean went back to Wasega I thought it would be the perfect time to get to you, without him there protecting you. I invited you to the ravine just because I wanted to spend some time with you. Once again it came down to showing you that my life style isn't terrible. But it was your idea to go into the van. Both times. You can't hold that against me and you can't blame it on me."_

"_I know." I whispered._

_He didn't wait for me to say more. He was anxious to continue, "When we talked that night on the stage, after you came back to the ravine and I turned you down, you said something about that drink JT gave you. 'That was harsh,' or 'that was rude'. Something like that. And it was just so…appealing. I smiled at you. Do you remember?"_

_I nodded solemnly. I remembered everything that happened and every tiny detail. It made me feel special that he remembered it too._

_He started again, "And then you came to the ravine that last night. I liked that you weren't too scared. Or that you came just to talk, even though you were addicted to the van. I started to like you again. But that was the last time we talked. I tried to talk to you in school but Simpson or Manny were always there. _

"_And then Sean came back and I knew he would be coming back for you. Something about him and Ellie just didn't seem right. But when he told me that it was you he was looking for, I knew that this would be my chance to finally talk to you. But everything just spiraled out of control. First Sean hit that guy and was put in jail and then immediately after he was out you were with him. You were always with him. When you told me that old times were over rated, it hurt. It hurt to think that you didn't value our time together at all."_

"_I know it hurt you." I muttered, "I saw it in your eyes but at the time, I really didn't care. I thought everything was just so perfect now that I had the love of my life back in my life. I thought that everything was going to be perfect. I thought wrong."_

"_Emma, I have this really deep feeling for you. Like the way I felt about Alex, just must stronger and much deeper."_

"_Say it." I mumbled._

"_What?" he asked._

"_Say it." I said louder._

_He smiled, understanding what I meant, "I love you Emma Nelson._

_I smiled too and enveloped him in a hug. He tried to kiss me but I backed away and told him it was too soon. And too weird. He understood and I loved him for it._

_Two Months Later_

_Jay and I had been hanging out regularly. Just no one knew. It wasn't that we wanted to keep it a secret, it just happened that way. Ellie had moved in because her mom started drinking again and every night I would wait for her to fall asleep before I snuck out to meet Jay._

_We weren't together. Just midnight friends. We wouldn't meet at the ravine. It was all too weird. We would meet in the alley way behind the Dot and talk until day break. _

_I would talk about my problems. I would start with all of my relationships and end with all of the diseases I've had._

_He would tell me about my family._

_We were best friend. But only at night. In school, where he had re-enrolled, we would ignore each other. But I like to give myself credit that I was the reason he was going for his diploma._

_He still loved me and I knew it. But it was hard to fall in love with him, although I knew it was gradually happening._

_And I liked it._

_Tonight_

_One night, though, I left early, without making sure Ellie was really asleep. But Jay had to get home early that night so I was home early too._

_Ellie was waiting for me._

_She screamed at me and we fought. She lay down on her bed and when I went to talk to her she told me not to go near her._

_I'll just go to sleep now and wait until tomorrow morning to talk to Ellie. _

_I can't wait until tomorrow night, though. It won't come soon enough._

"Hey, Em?" Ellie asked from her bed just as I was putting away my diary, "I'm sorry. I should be believing you."

"It's okay, El. I understand why you wouldn't. And it's okay that you're worried. Anyone would expect you to be. But I'm not doing anything wrong. I just hope you can trust me." I said to her.

I heard her murmur something but she rolled over and soon she was asleep. I lay in bed and thought about my impending relationship with a boy that I have more history with than Sean.

With a boy that I think I might love.


End file.
